Another day, another chance to slay the dragon 🐉 . My ED still likes to pop out now and again. But through managing my mind, and knowing the truth behind where this voice comes from (the one with judgement, fear, anxiety, ridicule ), I can choose to let it go. . How are you managing your ED dragon?? X
Sharing is caring? Trooper got a C L E A N bill of health at the vet today! And his vaccines and microchipped ❤️💕 I’m feeling proud asf. • • • #pitbullsofinstagram #puppies #puppygram #sharingiscaring #pitbullpuppy #pibbles #pitties #bully #bullies #americanbully #bullylove #endbsl #dogsarefamily #petsarefamily #bestfriends #doggo #doggosdoingthings #petowners #doglover #disabled #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisordersupport #eatingdisorderawareness #bulimia #bulimiarecovery #mentalillness #invisibleillnessawareness #invisibleillnesswarrior #dogmom #servicedoghandler
Same outfit. Different mindset. 1 year apart. Today marks a very important day for me. After 7 long and hard months, I have officially graduated to outpatient! Going to treatment was the hardest decision i ever had to make, but im glad i did it. It made me realize how deep i was in my eating disorder and how badly I damaged myself. But I have been blessed with people in my life that support me and are always there for me. I walked into work to find flowers and a card from my manager congratulating me on my success. Im able to enjoy some foods I never let myself had before. Im feeling happier and more optimistic about the future. And while i am grateful for Veritas For helping me and being there for me, i hope to never see you again. #edrecovery #edrecoverywarrior #anoerxiarecovery #bulimiarecovery #veritascollaborative #neveragain #hopeful #thankyou #happy
Dia 2 de Junho foi o dia da conscientização sobre Transtornos Alimentares, passei dois dias pensando se deveria ou não postar algo aqui sobre e no resto do tempo eu tava contando calorias então vocês já sabem.... Eu sei que vocês não vão me achar muito digna de falar sobre este assunto, afinal, eu to no peso normal e as vezes mais pra cima do que pra baixo. Mas eu vou. A primeira foto eu to feliz pra caralho porque eu tinha perdido tipo 11 kilos, e tava todo mundo elogiando. Mesmo que pra isso eu tenha passado vários dias sem comer, vomitando o que comia, etc. afinal, eu tava gordinha e finalmente tinha tomado um jeito. Todo mundo parabenizou! A segunda foto to eu nos meus storys dizendo que quero me distrair. Do que mesmo? Da fome. E na terceira foto, que achei perdida na galeria aí, eu tava feliz pq tinha parado no hospital por hipoglecemia. E isso significava que eu estava indo bem, que estava funcionando. Porque eu estava emagrecendo. E eu não estava comendo. E na minha cabeça tudo bem ficar doente, desde que magra. Mas a verdade é que isso é que me fizeram acreditar: e eu não tenho nada melhor pra falar pra vocês. Apenas que vocês não são números, nem medidas. E que ainda to meio perdida nesse mundo de medidas mas que eu não acredito mais que meu valor se mede por ele. Então, procurem ajuda. Não se deixem levar por qualquer coisa que leem, não busquem métodos não saudáveis, não se afunde em um mundo sem volta. E para todos que vão perguntar: eu estou bem, comendo direitinho. Hoje sim. Mas talvez você não esteja, e saiba, não vale a pena. #anorexia #bulimiafighter #bulimiarecovery #bulimia #recuperação #2dejunho #conscientização #transtornosalimentares #diamundialdostranstornosalimentares
ARE CALORIE DEFICITS HEALTHY? New video is up on YouTube! 😊👍💜 (link to channel in my bio ) • • In diet and fitness culture you always hear that you have to be in a caloric deficit if you want to lose weight and obtain a healthier body, right? • • Now we know an eating disorder recovery that going through the process of eating to full satiation is 100% necessary to regain your health, heal your metabolism, and become fully recovered. • • But I get a lot of questions regarding whether or not you should go back to some sort of calorie deficit once you’re fully recovered and want to lose weight or start working out again? all of this will be answered on this episode of #donewithdieting !! • • #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisordersupport #eatingdisorderrecoverycoach #edrecoverycoach #anorexiarecovery #bulimiarecovery #orthorexiarecovery
#Repost with permission from @encouragingdietitian to #amplifymelanatedvoices and share an #edrecovery reminder! ・・・ stop ✋🏿 in the name of [body] love 💕 body checking is the disruptive habit of examining our body for perceived change (or lack of change ). this could be looking at old photos, looking in reflective surfaces, checking in with yourself to sit or stand a certain way for “angles”, etc etc it’s disruptive. it tells me something a bit deeper is going on. are you anxious? are you scared? are you lonely? sudden changes? a situation you feel like you can’t control? sleepy? that time of the month? feeling unsafe? triggered? almost every time body checking increases, one of those precious things increased as well. for my friends with periods, it’s super common for body image to tank as those hormones start shifting. please be gentle with yourself.
Kindness matters Photo credit: @ladybluebottle #anxietymanagement #depressionhurts #selfcareideas #recoveryforlife #psychologyquotes #suicidepreventionday #depressionwarrior #selfcarepost #mentalhealthwarriors #recoverymeal #dépression #anxietydisorders #depressionglass #mentalillnessisreal #mentalhealthmeme #beatinganorexia #recoverycoach #ocdrecovery #selfcareseptember #fightanorexia #anxietyfree #selfcaresundays #clinicalpsychology #selfcareissacred #selfcareisnotselfish #anxietysupport #selfcarepage #selfcarelove #anxietyproblems #bulimiarecovery
VALOR MORAL A LA COMIDA Levante la mano 🙋🏻♀️ quién ha sentido que no puede comprar galletas porque se las va a comer de una sentada, o quien piensa “no compro papitas ni nieve porque no tendré fuerza de voluntad y me las voy a devorar”. Por mucho tiempo me sentía “la peor persona” por comer una barra de chocolate, y me sentía “excelente persona” si comía una manzana o ensalada. Antes me pasaba que si compraba un cereal con azúcar me lo podía acabar de una (literal ) porque tenía la mentalidad de “es un alimento malo” “me va a engordar” “ya mañana me pondré a dieta”. Cuando recién solté las reglas y le quité el valor moral a la comida, TODAS las noches cenaba cereal Nesquik (o el que fuera de ese estilo ) hasta que llegué a un punto que ya no se me antojaba más. Se preguntarán ¿a qué voy con todo esto? Lo que me ayudó para sanar mi relación con la comida fue haberme dado permiso de comer todo aquello que en algún punto me lo prohibí. Pan de barra, tortillas de harina, azúcar... y sé que algunos podrán pensar “pero eso no es sano”, recuerda que ningún alimento te dañará tanto como tú trastorno alimenticio lo hará. Tenemos que hacer las paces con la comida, sea cual sea. A lo mejor al principio te puedes sentir en descontrol y que nunca dejarás de comer dulces “si te permites comerlos”, a esa fase yo le llamo “luna de miel”. Puedes sentir que tu antojo y tu hambre no se sacía por nada del mundo, PERO llegarás a un punto que ya no lo querrás más porque sabrás que cuando quiera estará ahí y no pasa nada si lo comes después. Ahora puedo tener una caja de Oreos o de Mazapan y me duran semanas o hasta meses. Se me olvida que están ahí. No me la paso pensando en que están en mi alacena y que “no puedo comer eso”. Simplemente como cuando se me antoja y me detengo cuando satisfago ese gusto. Creo que para sanar nuestra relación con la comida es muy importante dejar ir esas reglas mentales. No te prives ni te tortures, haz las paces ✨ Escucha a tu cuerpo y trata de ver siempre por él y por tu paz mental 💗
First day in treatment vs 3 weeks in! #me #selfie #redhead #redheads #redhair #ginger #gingers #glasses #girlswithglasses #piercings #piercing #pierced #piercedgirl #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #edwarrior #recovery #recoverywarrior #bulimia #bulimic #bulimiarecovery #anorexia #anorexic #anorexiarecovery
Today was rough. I had a really bad anxiety and a bad body image. Being in recovery from an eating disorder is an every day work. Somedays are easier than others. Now in those bad days I try to take care of myself in order to feel better. I took a long bath, I did a skin care, I danced naked in my room, I meditated for 10 mins and now I can really see the difference in my mood. Just know that you’re not alone and everyone has his own battle. Good night ✌🏻🌚
Day 70 - Back to work today so for dinner tonight we just had a quick quasdilla only ate half of this and really didn't enjoy this so think I'm gonna pass on the vegan cheese next time. Work was busy but an experience to say the least and it was genuinely fun. @bethylouuu #health #healthyrecipes #edrecovery #anorexiarecover #bulimiarecovery #ed #freedomfoods #kickannasass #glutenfree #ibs #glutenfreerecipes #glutenfreefood #challengeana #change #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealth #recoverywin #startoday #healthylifestyle #edfighter #recoverycommunity #recoverywarrior #fitnessfoods #healthylifestyle #vegitarianfood #vegi #veganfood #veganmeals #foodisfuel
Hilariously honest memoir of a bulimic young woman. Available to download for free on Kindle Unlimited at www.amazon.com/author/sianrose #bulimiarecovery #bulimiafighter #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorderawareness #eatingdisorderecovery #ebook #ebooks #kindleunlimited #kindle #booklover #bookstagram #ebookstagram #selfpub #writingcommunity #indiewriters #indieauthorsofinstagram #chicklit #memoir #amazon
Como sempre reforço aqui o tratamento de pessoas com TAs é feito por uma equipe interdisciplinar, Sendo assim, esse texto foi feito pela nutricionista Renata Simões, minha parceira no trabalho de acolhimento de pessoas com TAs. Qual seria o papel do nutricionista no tratamento dos Transtornos Alimentares (TAs ), sendo ele uma doença mental? Bem, vamos lá...o TA exige um tratamento multidisciplinar, toda a equipe envolvida é importantíssima, e o nutricionista é um dos profissionais que compõe esta equipe. Dependendo do grau de agravo à saúde do paciente a nutrição é a primeira frente do tratamento, para restaurar e estabilizar condições metabólicas, renutrindo este paciente. De maneira geral, o TA é uma doença que resulta num comportamento alimentar transtornado, ou seja, o paciente não consegue ter uma relação com a alimentação de maneira tranquila e sem sofrimento, daí a importância do nutricionista com a especialização nesta demanda, pois a abordagem com o paciente acontece de maneira a desconstruir alguns pensamentos, principalmente no quesito dietas restritivas. É um trabalho lento e muito respeitoso, entendo suas variáveis e seus altos e baixos, para fazer com que o paciente consiga fazer “pazes” com a comida ou pelo menos auxiliá-lo a construir uma relação menos disfuncional com ela. @simoesnutri @astralbr @worldeatingdisordersday Renata Simões – especialista em Transtornos Alimentares pelo AMBULIM-IPq-FMUSP #psicologia #psicologiasaude #psicologiaporamor #psicóloga #psicologo #saudemental #saudeemocional #saude #cuidese #secuide #terapia #psicoterapia #façaterapia #procureumpsicólogo #indaiatuba #indaiatubasp #transtornosalimentares #reeducaçãoalimentar #dietanão #anorexianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery
I’ve really been struggling recently which is why I’ve been so quiet with posts. . . I find what’s happening right now really upsetting. I knew racism existed - I’ve experienced racism and discrimination (I’m not black but Asian ). However the horrific truth about police brutality (there is no other words ) and some of the scenes I’ve seen are really upsetting. If you are reading this - please try and educate yourself. . . Above all else. Be kind. To everyone. We have so much more in common then we with what sets us apart. - I feel like at the moment the world just feels like a really cold dark place. 😞 . . Because empathy and kindness don’t cost a thing. #blacklivesmatter . . DMs are open if anyone needs them. . . Update on personal issues (if anyone’s interested ): on Tuesday I have my blood tests and an ECG booked to get started on the referral process for my local adult eating disorder services. I am terrified. I am terrified I won’t be considered sick enough and they’ll just think I’m making things up. . . #kindness #kindnessmatters #kindnessiscontagious #empathy #empathymatters #2020 #stateoftheworld #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisordersupport #eatingdisorder #eatingdisorderawareness #anorexianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery #ednosrecovery #osfedrecovery #bedrecovery #recovery #recoveryispossible #recoveryjourney #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthmatters #mentalillness #mentalillnessawareness #mentalillnesssupport #wearesurvivors #blm
Dinner today: • Quinoa bolognese 🍝 I crave pasta...A LOT. I'm not sure if it's the gluten but I get EXTREMELY bloated and feel so uncomfortable after eating pasta. So, I just thought maybe quinoa would be a good pair?? And it's honestly SO delicious, satisfying and guilt free!! ♡ ♡ ♡ #weightloss #weightlossjourney #girlswholift #healthylifestyle #foodporn #foodie #foodstagram #foodphotography #health #ed #eatingdisorder #recovery #bulimia #bulimiarecovery #strong #chef #athomechef #masterchef #mama #mom #momlife #bodybuilders #bodybuilding #dinner #dinnerisserved #vsco #vscochef #amateurchef #baking #baker
Lee got me a large battered fish with curry sauce from the fish and chip shop tonight when he went for his dinner. I tried so hard to get out of having anything so he chose for me. To help me he made me a lovely salad to go with it, but it didn't take away from how scary this was for me. I think I ate it really quickly just to get rid of it, it was so greasy but I didn't want to let Lee down. The world isn't going to end and I'm still the same person as I was before, and he loves me. It's just food at the end of the day and fuel that my body needs. I want to get to the point where I can eat something like this and enjoy it. Maybe eventually I'll be able to manage some chips too. 💪🏻✨💖 #anorexiarecovery #recoverywarrior #prorecovery #realrecovery #beatinganorexia #bulimiarecovery #bodydysmorphia #depression #eatingdisorderrecovery #edwarrior #believeinyourself #eatingdisorderawareness #edrecovery #recoveryisworthit #nevergiveup #mentalhealth #selfacceptance #recoveryispossible #mentallillness #edfamily #gainingweightiscool #edcommunity #recovery #edfighter #anxiety #socialanxiety #bodydysmorphicdisorder #anarecovery #bddrecovery #recocerywin
Today my sister Laura and my BIL Alex got to meet our niece Bonnie for the first time. • • I’m sad and a little jealous. My husband and I were meant to take a trip to meet this brand new princess last month, but weren’t able to because of the pandemic. Bonnie is the first baby in our family and it’s hard to not be there to see in person her growth and development. • • Most importantly Bonnie is loved and taken care of. I’m immensely grateful for that. My sisters are all strong resilient women that I couldn’t go without. • • Here’s to loving photos and living vicariously through my family. I’ll meet you soon little one! • • #hilaryinrecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #eatingdisorder #anorexiarecovery #anorexia #bulimia #bulimiarecovery #ednos #ednosrecovery #recovery #mindfulness #intuitiveeating #slowdown #mentalhealth #mentalhealthawareness #mentalhealthwarrior #healing #depression #anxiety #bodylove #sober #sobriety #bodypositive #selflove #missingyou
😛😭 #eatingdisorderrecovery #anorexianervosarecovery #bulimiarecovery #polishgirl #notproana #orthorexiarecovery #polishgirl #igdaily #recoverywin #edcommunity #prorecovery #edrecovery #recovery #main #acc #active #fuckcalories #fuckana #sugarcookies #dessert #treat #snack #fooddiary #foodpics #instafood #sugar #foodstagram
PTW on swipe. Update After another ER visit last night(still here ), I’m terrified but grateful to say I am getting admitted to a speciality inpatient hospital that treats eating disorders tonight!! It’s a brand new program that no one seems to know anything about, but I’m just trying to focus on my gratitude and on fostering the tenacity that fills my spirit. I advocated my butt off for residential, but they said I’m too unstable medically. So I’ll be inpatient 2-3 weeks. Not sure what to expect since my insurance cut the unit I’m super familiar with, but psyching myself to accept whatever help I can get and trying to make the best of it. I do know refeeding will be aggressive there, so that’s worrying me, but trying to shift my focus to myresolve; I want so much more than this life I’ve been living. Not sure if there’s anything out there for me, not sure if I will ever be loved or accepted, not sure if lll ever be enough or worthy, not sure if God truly has a plan for my life, but I’ve been incapacitated these last months by my ed and can’t stand the thought of being caught up in behavior for even one more day. My body is so damaged after 22 years of fighting this illness, and it can no longer handle massive weight loss. I just wish younger girls realized what they were doing to their beautiful and precious bodies when they engage in eating disorder behaviors, and how not worth it it is. How they should take advantage of the care set before them and commit to recovery so that they can savor their young adult life. Sorry I digress. Anyways. Very introspective these days. I feel like I have so much to say, give, contribute, share, love, and express but it’s just shut up in this body of mine with no where to go. It’s certainly different than the emptiness I’m used to that incessantly overtakes me. I know this isn’t going to be a fun process, the second I feel the weight and fullness of the physical nourishment that will be provided to me, my mood will flip. The darkness will come. I hope I can keep sight of the light these next few weeks.
my burrito exploded 😂 #anorexianervosarecovery #eatingdisorderrecovery #bulimiarecovery #notproana #fuckana #fuckcalories #anawho #anawarrior #anafighter #lunch #burrito #gains #recoverywin #beans #organic #polishgirl #yummy #instafood #foodphotography #foodstagram #foodpics #carbs #active #main #acc #newpost
WHAT I EAT IN A DAY OF EATING DISORDER RECOVERY!!! ҉ ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ hello guys! today wasn’t a great day for me. I binged a lot of strawberries and I REALLY felt like restricting. I was so scared and just upset with myself. I didn’t end up restricting but it was a close call. I knew that it wasn’t a binge, just my body getting extra nourishment and I have to accept it and move on! ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° 🌻 BREAKFAST 🌻 for breakfast I had a bowl of cereal with protein milk! ! ҉ ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ☀️ SNACK ☀️ I had a protein shake! ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡ ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° 💫LUNCH💫 For lunch I had a banana smoothie bowl! ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ♡̷̷° ｡° 🌜 SNACK 🌛 for snack I had a yogurt bowl! ! ҉ ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ° ◍｡° ✧ ♡̷̷° ｡° ✨ DINNER! ✨ For dinner I had a half n half oat yogurt bowl!!
Anyone in the recovery world-block this person Courtney T !! catxwashington !! She is completely demented and enjoys harassing anyone that sets off her insecurities and shortcomings. Blocked her a long time ago on my old account after she left me an unprovoked comment saying, “At least my vital organs are fully functioning, unlike yours. And, I have a f #cking hot boyfriend.” She has changed her username and found my new account, and my henna account, and straightaway started with the ridiculous comments. Just a warning.
PTW. Had this pho around 12pm yesterday, and spent the evening *involuntarily* vomiting it up at random places around town. Worst was suddenly putting my car into park in front of Safeway with cars honking behind me and people staring at me throwing up outside of my car door. Had some teenage boys drive by laughing and screaming at me gagging on rice noodles and having sriracha infused stomach acid coming out of my nose. When my potassium dips below normal, I get double screwed because I start uncontrollably vomiting. Putting off going to the er Incase a miracle happens and my nausea disappears long enough for me to keep my potassium meds down. I’d rather take my potassium at home than show up at the er where they discharge me prematurely because I’m not skinny enough to be taken seriously(it happens every single time so don’t say it’s my “body dysmorphia” ). Seriously this is not fun or glamorous or even remotely worth it. Must be sick, but not too sick, and compliant but not too compliant that you’re seen as too competent to be in treatment, and you must be safe but not too safe that you can be discharged from all therapy, and you must be traumatized by not too traumatized that you’re a hopeless case, and you must seek out help but not too much that you’re aggressive and banned from programs, and you must be grateful for the help you’re given but not too grateful that you’re seen as obsessive, and you must look ill but not so ill that you trigger your fellow patient and there’s just no way to be just enough but not too much all at the same time.
Tomorrow, my therapist presents my case to the insurance panel. She already told me that residential is out of the question, since my BMI is too low(yet no where close to my lowest, and I’ve been in res w people who are way lower ) and because I need medical stabilization, so we’re hoping for inpatient. It’s not the inpatient that I know like the back of my hand(Herrick ), it’s a brand new unit, at a hospital I had the worst experience at... but I’m so tired. I’ve been so sick and weak. I’m feeling desperate for an end to this relapse. I was told, if by chance I get approved for inpatient, it will be a short stay for stabilization and behavior disruption, but they said this two years ago, and once they saw how hard I was working they let me stay the whole 4 weeks instead of the two. For my insurance, 5weeks is usually the max time they allow patients to stay. I’m not sure what I’m capable of, but I do know I want so much more than this... I’m willing to put in the hard work, I did it with my sobriety, so maybe I can do it with this demon as well.
periods!! - 🌤now i want to make it clear that wherever you are in relation to a period, your struggle is valid, and periods don’t mean “recovered” or the arrival of your “set-point”. it honestly means jackshit besides the fact that if you have an anatomically female body that would usually have a period, then your body is finally starting to show some signs of healing. a period is not a good indication of whether you have an eating disorder or not because it is purely based on our bodies, and EDs are a mental disorder. - 🌤sooo right now i am currently on my period!! i know months ago i would have been terrified at that thought and taken it as a failure, but honestly this is me “failing” my ED which is the goal of my recovery anyways. i also must confess that over the past couple of months i actually adopted the belief that i permanently effed myself up and my period was never coming back. after all, i HAD been in “recovery” for more than half a year, how could it not have come back? ~incidentally~ with about a month of unrestricted eating and plenty of rest, aunt flo finally made her reappearance. - 🌤when i was in my ED, unaware that my lack of a menstrual cycle could have been a sign, it was a joke amongst my friends. i played the innocent, baby role in my friend group and my lack of a period established that identity further. i think that was also a part of why i was terrified to let it go- i was terrified of change. but now in recovery, i’ve realized how change is necessary in growth. i don’t want to be stuck a child my whole life and having a period is something my natural body would host if not for my ED. - 🌤any mixed feelings i have about this would revolve around cramps and inconvenience. this means i have to be more careful around white outfits, deal with a lot of pain and nausea, and PMS!! but this is something tons of women deal with and having it also means that i now have the possibility of bearing children, more normal hormones, and just finally leaving my piece-of-ass ED. - 🌤so mf cheers! i am EXCITED that my body is healing and i am excited to get back to experiencing every aspect of life. good, bad, painful, comforting, i am here for it all.
i stood at the edge of my driveway and cried. - ✊i cried because every fiber of my body SCREAMED that forcing myself onto a 5 mile run was a good idea. a five mile run would “clear” my anxieties about my body and “clear” the misunderstandings, insensitivities, and emotional abuse that i constantly take from my family (btw this is a fuckin lie ik it would make things worse ). - ✊recovery is not all inspirational mantras and pint parties. it sucks to say because i know that no one really wants to read a “negative” post, but this is me being authentic and this account was made for my recovery. recovery- no- EDs actually suck ass sometimes. i literally had to drag my body back from the edge of my driveway and back into my home where i knew my family would laugh and keep making me feel like i wasn’t enough. i told myself over and over that in the end it would be worth it but i didn’t believe a single word i said. i cried and grieved my sickness. it felt like giving up, but in reality, even though it was damn ugly and painful, this was me NOT giving up. it only felt so ass in the moment because i WAS fighting. - ✊if i’m being completely honest, the past few days have been a mess. they’ve been 2 hour phone calls with my best friend talking reason into my exhausted mind, and pushing my own body out of bed because eating is something i can’t quit. the nausea, anger, and sadness has been overwhelming and nothing has seemed to work. but deep down i know that i won’t ever stop fighting. fighting for what?- my mind was a little too hazy and tired to remember, but i knew i was fighting for something. - ✊so no. i did not give into that wild urge to run and yes. i still forced myself to eat every time i felt hungry. did i like it? fuck no. but did i do it? yes. i like to think that i’m an extremely motivated person but even i, temporarily lost track of what i was fighting for yesterday. recovery can be ugly and you won’t be motivated 24/7, but what matters is how you don’t give in. - i haven’t felt this crap in a while, but sticking to this recovery thing, maybe i won’t have to feel this crap about something like this for the rest of my life.❤️ - tag-some ppl i cant thank enough
BUSCANDO PADRÕES x ACEITANDO O BIOTIPO Essa é a Sabrina aos 13 anos de idade. Nessa época, eu comecei a diminuir minha ingesta, a mentir que já tinha comido fora de casa, a passar o dia mascando chiclete para enganar a fome. . Eu me pesava compulsivamente. Calculava meu IMC diariamente para ver se eu estava abaixo do normal e comparava com os de top models. Buscava a medida menor possível de quadril, como exigido pelas agências de modelo. . Eu sentia dores no estômago, sentia-me estufada e comecei a ter constipação. Comprei um chá diurético. Comecei a usar laxantes e cheguei a um ponto que tomei 8 comprimidos de uma só vez porque já não fazia mais efeito. Então iniciaram as cólicas intestinais horríveis que perturbavam o sono e uma culpa enorme cada vez que eu acabava tendo algum episódio de compulsão. . Parei de menstruar por 8 meses. Cheguei a pesar 47 kg. Participei de comunidades de Ana e Mia (anorexia e bulimia ), onde inúmeras adolescentes compartilhavam dietas mirabulantes e maneiras de conseguir provocar o vômito após a refeição. A perda de peso era vista como uma conquista e disciplina; o ganho como uma falha no autocontrole. . Eu estava doente. Minhas amigas e meus pais perceberam, e na época, eu fiquei bastante incomodada por isso. . A partir daí, mesmo contra a minha vontade e ainda sem fazer as pazes com meu corpo, comecei a voltar aos meus hábitos normais. Eu apenas notei o quanto isso foi doentio depois de alguns anos. . Uma visão distorcida do próprio corpo. Uma corrida contra as curvas que surgiam no corpo de menina tornando-se mulher. É difícil ter sentimentos negativos em relação ao corpo e muitas vezes isso pode se tornar uma obcessão. . Hoje, o incômodo da descoberta se transformou em gratidão por ter pessoas atentas ao meu lado e que souberam como me guiar nesse caminho tortuoso contra um espelho distorcido. . É estranho pensar que tantas mulheres já sacrificaram alguma coisa em nome de um padrão estético arbitrário e assusta pensar o quanto todos os dias estamos tão próximas de cair nesse caminho. . Mas, lembre-se: não é seu peso, seu manequim, suas medidas que mudam seu valor como ser humano. Você é mais que sua aparência!
My love, you will not find what you are looking for in here. To this day, when I’m stressed, scared, angry, hurt, or on the brink of feeling something too painful to imagine, I turn to food. Sorrow is not something I lean into. Grief is not a place I like to visit by choice. Anger, shame, and humiliation are feelings I press to the edges of my consciousness, holding them there on a dangerous rim until the weight of them ceases to be bearable. Growing up I never learned that I could feel these emotions & survive them. I didn’t witness my parents mourn or argue, and perfection was our currency & lifeblood. I don’t blame my parents for my eating disorder—they did what they believed would protect me from pain. I simply didn’t have examples of how to express anger, frustration or disappointment. There weren’t courses in school on how to move through loneliness or heartbreak, and my young friendships weren’t built on conflict resolution or holding space for anxiety. I learned these feelings were not meant to be felt. Not meant to be had. Not permissible into consciousness or somatic experience. I learned to ensure the absence of these feelings through food. The longer I ate, the longer I could keep the pain away. The more I consumed, the less I felt. The bigger the binge, the bigger the distraction. It would be as though for that time, nothing could hurt me. If I didn’t stop, I wouldn’t feel the pain. But eventually I would stop. I would be too full or sick or in many cases, out of food. And all I would be left with were my feelings. The pain would flood in, and the added guilt and shame from hurting my body compounded the experience. For years, I believed the feelings that poured in post-binge were binge-induced—that the act of overeating and destroying my “good day of eating” caused my hurt. I now understand that the binge only serves to prolong the hurt, and worsens the pain in the process. I still turn to food sometimes. It’s a 16 year old coping mechanism that I still fight daily. But I’ve learned that if I let myself feel the pain, if I lean into the hurt I’m avoiding, it does pass. I do get through it. I can cope.
In fact, it seems as though everyone is quite pleased with the arrival of eating disorder Melissa who has taken her place. So how could I go back now? If I did, that means I failed. I failed myself, those who love me, and those who finally let me into their lives. Nobody knew what I was actually going through, really, all they saw was this A+ student athlete who was bouncing back from an injury. (no pun intended ). To them me losing weight was me taking care of myself- I was becoming “healthy”. But what these people couldn’t see was how I no longer wanted to stay awake past 7pm. What they didn’t notice was how I took every minute I could to look at my body in the locker room mirrors. What they couldn’t see was my journal filled with pages upon pages of self hatred and suicidal thoughts. They didn’t see the cuts on my body, the tears in my eyes, or the hurt in my heart. Because, who really cares about those things as long as you are skinny, right? Well I do, I care. And at the time I may have had a different answer. I may have agreed and I may have continued to believe the lies, but now I can see the distortion of which our minds project onto everything. I understand the manipulation which our eating disorders put us through, the hopelessness- the sense of failure. I know all of it. I can relate, but please believe me when I say you are so much more than an eating disorder. You have the loudest, most contagious laugh, and the warmest hugs. Your eyes get incredibly big when you see a puppy walking down the street and your face lights up when a baby passes you in a stroller. You love roller coasters but are terrified of Ferris wheels. You hate the way your throat feels after concerts, but find the soreness nothing compared to the excitement you had in the moment. Why give so much power to the eating disorder if you are already so much more. #mentalhealth #challenge #bodyimage #neda #eatingdisorderrecovery #fucktheED #nedawareness #mentalhealthawareness #anorexianervosarecovery #bodypositive #youareenough #bulimiarecovery #nedaweek #allin #bodypositivity #allsizesmatter #fatisbeautiful #youareenough #fearfood #haes
i believe in full recovery - 💫of course everyone who doesn’t is still entitled to their opinion, but i know that in my case i am planning on a full recovery. i have come too damn far and put up too many damn fights to fall back to the restricted life i had before. but how do i know that full recovery exists? well i wish i could say that i’m recovered right now and therefore it is fact (i will get there eventually ), but for now i just have my lil pieces of evidence. - 💫full recovery is something you can only have full faith in once you get there. just like how you can’t prove that you will definitely get an A on your next test- it is still a possibility and you can put in the work to get it. just like studying for that test, you set yourself up for full recovery by putting in the work and holding onto the belief that you can succeed. with the testimonies of those who have gone before, and the little miracles that you can find in your own fight, i don’t know how full recovery wouldn’t be a possibility. - 💫when i was in treatment i kept a little journal. i recorded all of my thoughts into these disgustingly perfect ligstraight lines. even though the journal was for no one but me, i still held myself to the sad standard of making it absolutely “perfect”. i was reading back some of my entries the other day and i couldn’t help but feel the gap that had grown between me and past taylor. - 💫it felt like i was reading the thoughts of a stranger. a poor, broken, stranger that was drowning in her ED. i felt so disconnected from my past self but oddly right there too. i distinctly remember being huddled in the corner of the room dring group, scribbling away furiously, wondering if there would ever be an end to my suffering. i can say with full certainty that back then i could not have IMAGINED where i am now. honestly. i thought there was no way out and that i was going to suffer through this for the rest of my short life. - 💫so remembering that- that i have ALREADY achieved the “impossible”, what is so impossible about a FULL recovery? it’s just another leap forward. so i am stating it here and now for posterity: i am going to fully recover. u can join me if u like.
I want to talk a little bit about language - the language we use about ourselves, food, or even other people. yesterday a co-worker asked me how I got into dietetics & she’s a good friend so I told her a little about my battle with orthorexia & how I was so proud of myself because I’ve gained about 25 lbs since I was at my smallest. • • • another co-worker overheard & said “& you’re still skinny af, I hate you” in a joking manner. I know this co-worker meant that in a totally complementary way - we all do, it’s normalized to exclaim “oh my gosh you’ve lost weight, you look so good!” or “ugh you’re so skinny I’m so jealous.” - but you never know that persons history with disordered eating, body dysmorphia, etc. - instead of weight-related compliments try “you look so happy, you’re glowing” or “you look so strong!” or better yet, compliment them on something that has absolutely nothing to do with their body. ♥️ because sometimes it’s weight gain that makes a woman proud of herself. ☺️
Pumpkin pancakes for breakfast today. When I open a tin I usually eat same thing for 4 days in a row, making the most out of it. 🤷🏻♀️😆 1/2 cup oats, 1 egg, 2 tbsp of pumpkin pure and about 100 ml coconut milk 🎃 #pancakes #proteinpancakes #singluten #healthypancakes #pumpkin #glutenfree #nongmo #coconutmilk #cleaneating #dairyfree #bulimiarecovery #wholefoods #allergyfriendly #edrecovery #eatrealfood #nutritie #lowfodmap #glutenmentes #mutimiteszel #oats #minresara ̈knas #micdejun #healthyfoodie #ma ̊bra #mancaresanatoasa #ibs #glutenvrij #healthybreakfast #nutrition #breakfast